I would take it all back if I could, but I wont

1. If you could say anything to the person who has hurt you most in life what would you say?
I'll be thanking you in a few years, and you'll swollow your words

2. When will your next kiss be?
...I'm gonna get in a relationship first k.

3. What song are you listening to?
I'm watching telivision

4. Who does it remind you of?
ummm*points up* n/a

5. Last movie you watched? with who?
Horten Hears a Who, my familia

6. Which of your friends lives closest to you?
I think desire

7. What CD is in your stereo?
Metro Station

8. Has a friendship ended recently that you wish hadn't?
No, I don't get in friendships deep enough to the point that it hurts if something happens

11. What are you most looking forward to?
Warped tour!

12. What are your nicknames?
panda,panda bear, manda panda(over rated right), barbie,blondie(not even blond right now!),bunny,lovely(only my wify!!!),mighty,mightmandamyster(omg,so embarissing! only my dad)

13. Describe your dream life:

How long do you have? 

no hate, no dowt,no pain, I could go into detail but I don't have that time and niether do you :D

14. Where would you like to live?
anywhere! not here, Chigo would rock,or New York, Oragon or Washington

15. Last time you spent the night at someone's house?
I dunno

16. When was the last time you were extremely disappointed?
I miss Lauren :( I wish I was nicer before she left

TOP TEN THINGS ABOUT YOU
1. Are you single? yup
2. Are you happy?right now? not to much naw
3. Are you bored? fer sure!!! omg I am always so bord
5. Are you Italian? I think I am a little....
6. Are you pregnant? 0_o wouldn't you like to know

8. Are you cool? ask anyone, but they'll all say heck to the yes
9. Are you Irish? .....I am indeed
10. Are your parents still married? yup
TEN LASTS:
1. Last phone call you made:Joey
2. Last phone call you received: Joey

3. Last person/people you hung out with? jeremiah,carman and irma

5. Last person you tackled?: desira!
6. Last person you texted?jeremiah
7. Last text message you received: Lauren
8. Last person you hugged?: Irma
9. Last person you hated?: I can hate more then one person at a time so there realy was no last person

10. Last person you laughed with?: my dad  I think

I have not been this bord since like last week dudes. I am bord to the point of insainity just watching Americas Next Top modle. eating a frozen snikers drinking pepsi but seriously I'm bord.

so I've been thinking about it and what if chickens always went around saying "tast like human" seriously, why does everything always"tast liike chicken"

No good bands are coming till may. warped tour is going to be the best ever this year and I wish could sleep at night but I can't but whatever. omg  I just hit a button and the typing got all funny how do I fix it! it's freakin me out 0_o

UGH! I am soooo bord! I have done nothing but work on my spanish class today.

ME HOBLA ESPENOL! I don't need a class :( ok, well me hobla espenol un poca but still....

the only high light to my day was my watermelon bomb pop. heck yes I love the ice cream truck.

I miss Lauren :C

maybe if she was here I woulden't be so darn bord :(

someone come play with me so I won't be bord ouut my mind

*breaks out singing* outta my outta my, getta outa my head.

I hate the song, it's so annoying, but so catchy, it's got stuck in my head like four times this week.

I realy want to bleach my hair but I am not ready to dye my hair a different color yet, it is tearing me up inside, very much a moral conflic :D

 

Ima gonna go back to working on my spanish :C

lets all have a party with skittles and dr.pepper.

I went to see the used yesterday on the get a life tour. it was  the first date of the tour, it was realy rad! duh! but yeah, had to drive about 4 hours then wait for 3 hours for the show to start but whateves. I realy did not like any of the other bands except street drum corps, I have been into them for a while but they are realy cool live. I was in the third row right before the used came on but I got pushed to like themiddle. It was one of the craziest crowds I've been in. So The Used is amazing live, they played for almost an hour and a half. they are great live, lots of fun. I spen most my time off to the side away from the crazys or in the moshpit being one. I always seem to be the only chick in a moshpit with a bunch of guys. A bunch of dudes kept giving me higfives and saying yeah great job and stuff. I fell like 5 times but  I always fall :D the security told me I had to stay out, I honestly think it is cuz I was the only chick and the dudes were crazy, but I left any way. one time when I fell five dudes triped and fell on top of me and one steped on my had. I think it is fractured or something, it is still all bruised and swollen.so yeah, theres that :D see the used if you get a chance :D

So again, kinnda realy belated but whatevs.

I saw Aiden on febuary 18th. It was my secon time seeing them, they were my first concert in july. I saw them with I am Ghost. This time I saw them with Madina Lake. Madina Lake has been one of my favs since I saw them in august on projekt revalution. They are always amazinmg. If you have not heard of them look them up, and if you get the chance to see them DO IT! so I got them valintines candy but I only got to give it to nathen and dan. They both gave me hugs :) but mathew was back at the hotel sick :( at least he was ablit to tough it out for the show. So I gave it to nathen to give to him. I guess maybe mateo went with him to the hotel because he was not there but I did not relize that untill nathan and dan left, so I could not give it to them to give to him. sorry metao. I ogt to talk to nathan, and I told him how much their music means vto me...I got another hug :) he is just so super sweet. so I got pics with nathan and dan.

Aiden always puts on a good show....no not good, fan-frekin-tastic. wiL came out by himself for the first song and started singing, then he lit a cigarett and a dude came and took it away, he had some creative things to say :) but they are amazing to see live wL always spends more time in the crowd then he does on stage. I was on the barakade so I got to reach up and touch him throughout the whole show. At one point I had my hand on his knee and he took my hand and held it to his heart for about 30 seconds. I do not get all fan girl when stuff like that happens, but it is deffanetly a good feeling to have that connection with someone you admier for their music. After the show I got pics with everyone except jake d and angle, my two favorites :( oh well, I have the pics from last time. and I told wiL that all the crap htey have been getting about conviction does not matter because it is amazing that it is a recrod calabrating life, he said yeah, we do not care what people think but thank you for saying that :)

so yeah if you ever get the chance to see either of them, do it.

I dunno why I wait for a long time before actualy posting a jurnal about the concerts I go to, but I have been realy sick a misrable so a well.

I saw Cobra Starship on febuary 20th. they were amazing. the venue I went to only holds 200 people and it was sold out. I think that was the only show I ever went to that was sold out. I aloso was excited to see we the kings. They have the cutest songs ever. They were also fantastic.Metro Station was kinnda rad, but they were a bunch of little 12 year old girls I wanted to slap silly. Me and my sister went about 3 and a half hors early to make sure we were on the barakade. When we got in line there were these two chicks that we met at the color fred concert. So we were talking to them for a while when toney, the academy is.... tour manager walks about and I have a spaze attack....come on you know you would to. So one of the chicks is like ohh, if I see him again I am going to as him to hug you. well I did not get that hug, but she did get Ryland to come over and hug me. dude, he gives good hugs, no joke. Then Gabe and Vicky came out together and the same chick goes up to gabe and says will you give that girl*points to amanda* a hug. he's like sure, so I go up to them and gabe putes his arm around me and his other around vick and says lets do a group hug, cvome on group hug. It was awsome, and one of them smelled realy good....random?, absolutly.

so after the amzing show I had to wait for my mom to come and pick us up but when she did I got all my stuff outta the car. I brought my guitar to get signed. Alex signed it and said it was a realy nice guitar and played it a little bit and then gabe signed it, he wrote to Amanda shred-tastic gabe <3. I had to give it to one of the roadies to bring on the bus to sign, other then nate cuz "he was at the hotel taking a shower". I brought them all valintine cand which got me a hug from alex and Gabe, I had to send the rest of it with the guy who brought the guitar on the bus. Gabe gave me a hug then I asked if I could give him a kiss on the cheack and he was like yeah! so I did then my sister told him well now you have to give her a kiss, and he did :) that made me happy. So yeah, it was amazing.

I went to a Drop Dead, Gorgeous show on monday, six days ago. It was the Scary Kids Scaring kids show, but I wanted to see DDG more...so that was the reson for going. All the bands, Gwen Stacy, Hast the Day, Drop Dead, Gorgeous, and Scary Kids Scaring Kids are all fantastic live. serously they blew me away. I crowed surfered for the very first time, yeah it only took 8 concerts but the idea terrified me, but I was not droped or anything so, it was prety coool. Took some pics with some of the dudes from DDG AND hAST THE DAY, BUT MOST OF THEM JUST GOT ON THE BUS REALY FASt so did not realy meet/ talk to any of them. But yeah, cheack all of them out it is worth your time to do so.

 

 

sorry bout the caps...opps :)

K, so I saw The Color Fred like 3 weeks ago but never put up a jurnal....lazyness I supose... but they were sooo amazing. Only 9 people total showed up for the show. Fred came out when me and my sister were the only ones in line, we were like an hour early, and talked to us a bit and thanked us for coming. I felt so nervose, but he was realy shy to, I asked for a hug and I totaly got a hug. They played their whole cd, and to cover songs, so that was kinnda rad. After the show the back up vocals, guitar/keybord guy came over and talked to me and my sister and he gave me a picture he drew, it is a casset with some lyrics to one of their songs. I talked to Fred a little after the show. I asked him what the last show he played with Taking Back Sunday was and it was the last Projekt Revolution show in Denver, and guess what? I was there, it was the only time I saw them so kindda cool. So yeah if you have not already, check em out therir amazing

<3

So just got back from a Saosin concert a little while ago, The bands  were Meriewhether, The Bled, Armor For Sleep, and of corse the headliners, Saosin. It was preaty cool. I nearly died during the bledm and I realy hate crowd surfers, but other then that fairly good. I got to meet Cove from Saosin, he was realy nice. Overall a good night.

So, I just got back from a Medic Droid concert like 20 minutes ago. The concert sucked. It was waiting for a total of about 4 hours and about an hour and a half of music. The Medic Droid played three songs and covered a song, their set was amazing, lots of fun to. But after the show was kinnda cool. other then waiting in 20 degree weather to get pics with all three of the boys. They were all realy nice though. Hector gave me a bug stuffed animal thing a fan gave him as an I am sorry present beacuse he hit my head realy hard when he came in the audiance. So that was nice I guess. But yeah, bad concert, nice guys :)

He was amaizing. He was my Favorite screamer ever in the world. He was a cool dude in general. I do not care if you do not like Hwthorn Heights people need to stop with the discresepect to Casey and the band. I have seen alot of stupid peoples comments. Stop being stupid. If you do not like them, or spicificly hi, keep it to yourself.

 

TO WRITE LOVE ON HER ARMS.
by jamie tworkowski

Pedro the Lion is loud in the speakers, and the city waits just outside our open windows. She sits and sings, legs crossed in the passenger seat, her pretty voice hiding in the volume. Music is a safe place and Pedro is her favorite. It hits me that she won't see this skyline for several weeks, and we will be without her. I lean forward, knowing this will be written, and I ask what she'd say if her story had an audience. She smiles. "Tell them to look up. Tell them to remember the stars."

I would rather write her a song, because songs don't wait to resolve, and because songs mean so much to her. Stories wait for endings, but songs are brave things bold enough to sing when all they know is darkness. These words, like most words, will be written next to midnight, between hurricane and harbor, as both claim to save her.

Renee is 19. When I meet her, cocaine is fresh in her system. She hasn't slept in 36 hours and she won't for another 24. It is a familiar blur of coke, pot, pills and alcohol. She has agreed to meet us, to listen and to let us pray. We ask Renee to come with us, to leave this broken night. She says she'll go to rehab tomorrow, but she isn't ready now. It is too great a change. We pray and say goodbye and it is hard to leave without her.

She has known such great pain; haunted dreams as a child, the near-constant presence of evil ever since. She has felt the touch of awful naked men, battled depression and addiction, and attempted suicide. Her arms remember razor blades, fifty scars that speak of self-inflicted wounds. Six hours after I meet her, she is feeling trapped, two groups of "friends" offering opposite ideas. Everyone is asleep. The sun is rising. She drinks long from a bottle of liquor, takes a razor blade from the table and locks herself in the bathroom. She cuts herself, using the blade to write "FUCK UP" large across her left forearm.

The nurse at the treatment center finds the wound several hours later. The center has no detox, names her too great a risk, and does not accept her. For the next five days, she is ours to love. We become her hospital and the possibility of healing fills our living room with life. It is unspoken and there are only a few of us, but we will be her church, the body of Christ coming alive to meet her needs, to write love on her arms.

She is full of contrast, more alive and closer to death than anyone I've known, like a Johnny Cash song or some theatre star. She owns attitude and humor beyond her 19 years, and when she tells me her story, she is humble and quiet and kind, shaped by the pain of a hundred lifetimes. I sit privileged but breaking as she shares. Her life has been so dark yet there is some soft hope in her words, and on consecutive evenings, I watch the prettiest girls in the room tell her that she's beautiful. I think it's God reminding her.

I've never walked this road, but I decide that if we're going to run a five-day rehab, it is going to be the coolest in the country. It is going to be rock and roll. We start with the basics; lots of fun, too much Starbucks and way too many cigarettes.

Thursday night she is in the balcony for Band Marino, Orlando's finest. They are indie-folk-fabulous, a movement disguised as a circus. She loves them and she smiles when I point out the A&R man from Atlantic Europe, in town from London just to catch this show.

She is in good seats when the Magic beat the Sonics the next night, screaming like a lifelong fan with every Dwight Howard dunk. On the way home, we stop for more coffee and books, Blue Like Jazz and (Anne Lamott's) Travelling Mercies.

On Saturday, the Taste of Chaos tour is in town and I'm not even sure we can get in, but doors do open and minutes after parking, we are on stage for Thrice, one of her favorite bands. She stands ten feet from the drummer, smiling constantly. It is a bright moment there in the music, as light and rain collide above the stage. It feels like healing. It is certainly hope.

Sunday night is church and many gather after the service to pray for Renee, this her last night before entering rehab. Some are strangers but all are friends tonight. The prayers move from broken to bold, all encouraging. We're talking to God but I think as much, we're talking to her, telling her she's loved, saying she does not go alone. One among us knows her best. Ryan sits in the corner strumming an acoustic guitar, singing songs she's inspired.

After church our house fills with friends, there for a few more moments before goodbye. Everyone has some gift for her, some note or hug or piece of encouragement. She pulls me aside and tells me she would like to give me something. I smile surprised, wondering what it could be. We walk through the crowded living room, to the garage and her stuff.

She hands me her last razor blade, tells me it is the one she used to cut her arm and her last lines of cocaine five nights before. She's had it with her ever since, shares that tonight will be the hardest night and she shouldn't have it. I hold it carefully, thank her and know instantly that this moment, this gift, will stay with me. It hits me to wonder if this great feeling is what Christ knows when we surrender our broken hearts, when we trade death for life.

As we arrive at the treatment center, she finishes: "The stars are always there but we miss them in the dirt and clouds. We miss them in the storms. Tell them to remember hope. We have hope."

I have watched life come back to her, and it has been a privilege. When our time with her began, someone suggested shifts but that is the language of business. Love is something better. I have been challenged and changed, reminded that love is that simple answer to so many of our hardest questions. Don Miller says we're called to hold our hands against the wounds of a broken world, to stop the bleeding. I agree so greatly.

We often ask God to show up. We pray prayers of rescue. Perhaps God would ask us to be that rescue, to be His body, to move for things that matter. He is not invisible when we come alive. I might be simple but more and more, I believe God works in love, speaks in love, is revealed in our love. I have seen that this week and honestly, it has been simple: Take a broken girl, treat her like a famous princess, give her the best seats in the house. Buy her coffee and cigarettes for the coming down, books and bathroom things for the days ahead. Tell her something true when all she's known are lies. Tell her God loves her. Tell her about forgiveness, the possibility of freedom, tell her she was made to dance in white dresses. All these things are true.

We are only asked to love, to offer hope to the many hopeless. We don't get to choose all the endings, but we are asked to play the rescuers. We won't solve all mysteries and our hearts will certainly break in such a vulnerable life, but it is the best way. We were made to be lovers bold in broken places, pouring ourselves out again and again until we're called home.

I have learned so much in one week with one brave girl. She is alive now, in the patience and safety of rehab, covered in marks of madness but choosing to believe that God makes things new, that He meant hope and healing in the stars. She would ask you to remember.